Archive for January, 2014

This Is News: Expensive Disaster in Space

Posted in Internet, Media, Really, This Is News? with tags , , , , , , on January 29, 2014 by JE Cornett

Can you file bankruptcy in space?

While you were lying awake in bed late Sunday night worried about the plight of the homeless during this bitterly cold Arctic Freeze, James Carl’s empire was crumbling.

Turns out his space fleet was under siege. The surge began when a member of Carl’s coalition failed to make a payment to protect a key staging ground in the ongoing war between Carl’s Pandemic and N3 coalition and CFC and Russian forces.

The bill should have been settled via auto-pay, but something went wrong, resulting in tragic consequences.

“Everything just escalated out of control from there,” says Carl, via Associated Press. “The dust is still settling on that issue. Everyone is just focused right now on fighting to try to regain control of the system.”

Carl’s coalition faces steep odds to retake lost ground. Mineral rights and disruption of valuable trade notwithstanding, more than 100 of the $3000 vessels were destroyed in the attack before Carl was notified by alliance members in the early hours of Monday morning via phone that system B-R5RB was under fire. He spent the remainder of Monday marshaling his troops, and says that dozens of alliance members, volunteers all, took leave from their jobs to help put an end to the takeover.

Right now, Carl’s hope is that with the help of other alliance members, total destruction of B-R5RB can be prevented. While it appears the CFC currently has the upper hand, there is still time for U.S. alliance members to retake the advantage, says Carl.

Regardless, Carl is not giving up.

“It’s a universe full of grudges and constantly changing politics. If we were to lose, we’ll rebuild. Then, we’ll go back and start another war.”

The cost of this war, however, may make rebuilding difficult. Though the war is being waged in the ether, as part of the online game EVE, the real world value of the losses Carl’s coalition has weathered tallies $500,000. Whether Carl and others can afford to re-outfit this completely fictional alliance remains to be seen.

All Thinking Is Relevant, Says Thought Catalog

Posted in Internet, Media, No, Where You Find It with tags , , on January 28, 2014 by JE Cornett

Card Catalog in O'Shaughnessy Library, later to become part of the O'Shaughnessy-Frey Library Center, University of St. Thomas [1960]

No, not that kind of catalog, unfortunately.

The whole wide world’s all up in somebody named Amy Glass’s face for having the nerve to write something titled “I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I’m Not Sorry” over at a place called the Thought Catalog.

Yes, it’s just about what you’d expect with that title, and ends on this cheery note:

Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back. 

This is hardly Amy’s first cataloged thought, either. My personal favorite is the one called “Here’s How to Cheat Proof Your Relationship: Stay Attractive.” Read on:

Honestly, why wouldn’t you cheat when your marriage devolves into living in a house with someone and raising kids with them, primarily, and a love relationships secondarily. Hell, not even secondarily, just like the status quo…

I feel like [cheating is] the consequence these women deserve. They didn’t want a love relationship, they wanted a wedding and a status symbol. If they wanted a love relationship they’d be putting work into it, thereby removing any reason a man had to cheat and they wouldn’t cheat. It’s simple.

She also cataloged “Is the Point of Having Kids Just Not to Be Lonely?” and “When It Comes to Women There’s No Equality Gap, Just an Ambition Gap,” but I didn’t bother reading those. By that point I had concluded that this was all farce. All of it. From these half-cocked ideas to the high school essay-quality writing to the liberal sprinkling of “blow-jobs.” I was convinced that none of this was real, because if it were real, Amy Glass would have developed some of these intriguing thoughts past the reductive, sophomorish (I crack me up) rants-stage.

Then I made the mistake of exploring this Thought Catalog further. Here are a few of the gems I found:

If Your College Relationship Isn’t Working, Don’t Feel Guilty:

Many people lack to recognize the importance of timing in relationships when really, timing should be attributed to at least fifty percent of every relationship. Think about it, there are two separate human beings, wandering around in this world, and somehow they meet, at a specific place, in a specific time in their lives. From that moment forward, those two people will have to put scheduled time aside for that person to be apart of their life.

I’m in college now, and frankly, I struggle to find time to even shower. College is full of late nights, early mornings, afternoon naps, overscheduled classes, short lived study time, an overload of cramming to finish homework time, and an unhealthy amount of Netflix. The combination of the lazy and stressful schedule leaves us all with limited one-on-one human interaction.

Personally, I lack to recognize how, if you’ve got time to watch Netflix, you haven’t got time to shower. If you’ve got time to nap, you’ve got time to shower.

22 Important Differences Between Southerners and Rednecks:

  • Southern: Food with a lot of butter
  • Redneck: Food with a lot of mayonnaise
  • Southern: Common family nicknames include “Junior” and “Sissy”
  • Redneck: Common family nicknames include “Bubba” and “Buzz”
  • Southern: Cracker Barrel
  • Redneck: Golden Corral
  • Southern: Elvis, Johnny Cash, The Allman Brothers, Lynard Skynard
  • Redneck: David Allan Coe, Toby Keith, Trace Adkins
  • Southern: Having pecan pie crumbs on your mouth
  • Redneck: Missing teeth from your mouth

As a Kentuckian, I could by rights go either way, but I can’t parse this. Love butter, also love mayonnaise. Have the nickname “Sissy” but prefer David Allan Coe to Lynard Skynard (sic). So confusing.

Believe the Lies You Tell Yourself to Fall Asleep at Night:”

Be kind to yourself. Believe it’s all going to work out the way you wildly and shamelessly entertain in the crevices of your imagination. She could learn to forgive you and become your friend again. One day, you could make that team, get your dream job. He could come back to you.

Stranger things have happened. Life is unpredictable. Hope is never lost.

That’s sweet.

By the time I’d finished with that Thought, I’d come to the conclusion that the entire Thought Catalog was farce, or something like the bathroom wall of the Internet.

So I went to the “About” page to find out how such a thing worked. Here’s what the “About” page says about this Thought Catalog:

  1. Thought Catalog content should be fun, smart, and creative, i.e., entertaining, journalistic, and literary.
  2. The site should be beautiful and clutter-free.
  3. We believe all thinking is relevant and strive for a value-neutral editorial policy governed by openness. The more worldviews and rhetorical styles on the site, the better. We want to tell all sides of the story.
  4. We’re about today. But our mission is also archival. We want to catalog the times for tomorrow.
  5. We want to help shape culture by empowering you to share your ideas and stories with the world.

What a beautiful, if not exactly clutter-free, concept. Not just an Internet bathroom wall, but a repository, where anyone who comes up with “25 Hoarding Photos That Will Make You Feel Better About Your Life” can leave those photos for future generations. No matter how fleeting my thought, no matter how unformed or ill-informed or deformed my thought, it can come here to live.

I felt empowered until I followed that link (dead here) to a Submissions page. This is an excerpt:

If you’d like your writing featured on Thought Catalog, fill out the form below and we’ll review it. While we strive to read all submissions, our resources are limited, and we can’t guarantee a response. If you don’t hear back after two weeks, assume it wasn’t possible for us to publish your article and feel free to submit again.

Shocking. I had assumed that the inclusion of something like “22 Important Differences Between David Allan Coe and Lynard Skynard” was proof that there is indeed a value-neutral editorial policy here. I thought that meant that all thinking is relevant, but now I learn that someone, somewhere is only striving to read all the submissions, and that it may not be possible for my thoughts to appear in the Thought Catalog.

Thank God.

 

Where You Find It: So Dear

Posted in Uncategorized, Where You Find It with tags , , on January 6, 2014 by JE Cornett

Image

The weather outside is frightful, but Weather Underground‘s teeny little teaser for their new site is so delightful.

“”Dear Person,”” hmm?

Was there not enough room on that tiny, adorable teaser for “To Whom It May Concern?” If WU was persnickety enough to include a comma after “person,” why is there no punctuation after WU?

Who cares. I don’t think of “Dear Person” as a salutation. I like to think it’s more that I am dear to WU. A Dear Person. Someone WU cares about.